


A Little Lost

by allxthexwords



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-25
Updated: 2012-12-25
Packaged: 2017-11-22 10:25:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/608816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allxthexwords/pseuds/allxthexwords
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in Shepard’s cabin, one month after Thane has passed on. Shepard finally breaks down, and Liara is there to try and comfort her. </p><p>Rated: T for a bit of swearing, and Shepard drinking whiskey. 1,493 words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Little Lost

She knew now why Thane had denied her request to come back aboard the Normandy with her the first day she had found him in the hospital. Watching him struggle to gasp for breath, lying prone on a hospital bed was unbearable. He knew that she would’ve spent every free moment with him, and would’ve seen the rapid decline of his health that came along with the end of Kepral’s Syndrome. He knew that it would be devastating for her to watch him slip away slowly and surely because of an enemy she couldn’t fight off, no matter how much she wanted to. She couldn’t breathe for him; she couldn’t give him her lungs. Being in Huerta Memorial with Thane and Kolyat for her lover’s final moments had been the hardest thing she had ever done, a helpless feeling gripping her heart and squeezing tight until she could’ve sworn that the gasps for breath had come from her. She hated that he knew her better than she knew herself, that he hadn’t wanted to burden her with his ailment when she already had so much on her shoulders. She understood now, but she deeply regretted ever spending a moment of the time he had apart.

She hated the Alliance for keeping her locked up for six months in Vancouver, unable to even send her dying lover a letter in response when he wrote to her. She hated Kahje for its inhospitable climate for the drell, crippling her lover’s beautiful race with an incurable disease. She hated the hospital for not having enough drell blood on site, that even with Kolyat giving some of his blood to his father, it hadn’t been enough. She hated the galaxy for needing her to save them from the reapers. She hated the reapers for keeping her busy and away from Thane, with only brief pauses of shore leave at the Citadel as she tried to bring the races of the galaxy together to fight this universal threat. She hated the reapers for making her so stressed, so overwhelmed that Thane had come to the decision to stay in the hospital and not become just another burden to her, even if she would’ve never considered caring for him as one. She hated Cerberus, and the Illusive Man for fighting the Alliance and keeping her busy with a war on two fronts. She hated Kai Leng with such a burning passion that it was now what fueled her, the thought of tracking him down and killing the son of a bitch was nearly as fantasized about as the permanent destruction of the reapers. But what she hated more than anything else was the fact that Thane was gone from this universe, that he was now waiting patiently for her across the sea in Kalahira’s embrace. She hated that all she had left of him were photographs, letters, a few clothes tucked in her drawers and memories that would eventually fade.

Lifting the bottle to her lips, Shepard drank greedily, relishing the burn of the alcohol down her throat as her eyes burned with tears she did her best not to shed.

It had been a month since Thane had passed. Somehow life kept on going when all she wanted to do was stop, and get off of this nightmare of a train wreck that her life had become. She was expected to carry on as if nothing had happened, as if it was simply something she could shrug off, something that wouldn’t cripple her completely. She was Commander Shepard, and she had lost soldiers under her command many times before. People were dying every second in this goddamn war, and her lover was now just another statistic, one more casualty amongst billions.

She had the rest of the night to herself, and so she drank from the bottle again, gazing across the room at her aquarium. She had a little bit of the sea in her cabin, and when they had been hunting the Collectors she had come up to the loft after some business she had to attend to and had walked in and found Thane watching her fish more than a few times. He was waiting for her across the sea, and watching the fish float around their home, in between the vertical strands of seaweed, was equally peaceful and heartbreaking; though it was currently up for debate if any of her heart remained intact enough to keep on breaking.

“Shepard, I was wondering if – oh,” Liara began as she walked into the cabin, coming to a halt when she found the Commander reclined on her couch with rebellious tear tracks on her face and a bottle of whiskey in her hand.

Giving up on what she was going to ask, Liara crossed the room and sat down beside Shepard, leaning back into the couch and saying nothing for a few minutes as Shepard took another drink.

“Is it…?”

“Thane.” Shepard sobbed, angrily wiping at her tears with her sleeve, the half-empty contents of the bottle sloshing with the sudden movement. “I can’t…I don’t know how to go back to living my life without him; which is _so stupid_ , because we both knew this was inevitably coming. Hell, the first time we spoke he told me he was dying,” Shepard laughed; a harsh and bitter sound that assaulted the air around them.

“Shepard, you’re grieving. You loved Thane, and now he’s passed on; it’s understandable to feel a little lost without him.” Liara consoled, her eyebrows drawing closer together as she placed a comforting hand on the commander’s shoulder.

“He told me I woke him up, that he had spent ten years dead; breathing and working, but not really alive. He sort of did the same for me. Coming back from the dead, and being forced into the thick of things right away, not knowing what had happened, who I could trust; I was lost. I was just Commander Shepard; the hero humanity had lost and had back again, but with Thane I began to feel like myself. And now he’s _gone_ , and I’ll never see him smile again, or hold him, or…”

A choked sob made its way out of her throat without her permission as she doubled over in pain, thinking of the future they could’ve had together, of all of the memories they would never be able to make, her heart twisting in agony. The whiskey bottle returned to her lips as she tried to drown the possibilities and make herself feel nothing but the burn down her throat and the buzzing in her head.

“I can’t even sleep in my own bed; it’s too empty now.”

Moving over, Liara gently rubbed Shepard’s back as the grieving woman finally broke down and cried, taking the bottle from Shepard’s hand and placing it over on the coffee table.

When the tears slowed to the occasional hiccup, all of the energy and fight had left Shepard; she was utterly drained. Thane’s death was the straw that finally broke her back; on top of all of the weight she was carrying doing her best to win the war against the reapers, it had proved to be too much for the Commander to bear.

“C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up.” Liara murmured softly, tugging Shepard up off of the couch and to the bathroom. She grabbed a small cloth and dampened it, wiping away all the traces of tears from Shepard’s face, brushing her hair back. Leaving Shepard sitting on the edge of the sink, Liara searched around until she found a pair of pyjama pants for the commander and herself, carefully avoiding disturbing any of the few pieces of Thane’s clothing that she found. Changing into a pair, and remaining in her under shirt, Liara gave Shepard the other pair to change into as well.

Shepard sighed heavily, but changed into the clothes clumsily as she had been silently bidden.

“Okay, come over here now; you _need_ to get a night of quality sleep.” Liara called over her shoulder, turning down the bed. Shepard tried to grab just a pillow and head back for the couch, as she had done every night of the past month, but Liara grabbed Shepard’s arm and gave her a small tug to pull her back to the bed. Sensing that putting up resistance would be futile, Shepard climbed into the bed, a fresh wave of tears stinging her eyes until Liara climbed into the bed behind her, wrapping a soft, blue arm around Shepard’s waist after she pulled up the covers and flicked off the lights. Shifting a little to settle in under the blankets, they quickly found a comfortable position.

“…Thanks Liara,” Shepard whispered, barely even able to hear herself speak. Liara was kind enough to simply let it be.

It was the first night of many that Shepard managed to once again fall asleep in her own bed.


End file.
